I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
