this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
