You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
