My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just pynch a tree in the face
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
