In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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