it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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