I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
No I am not eating basil off your cock
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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