hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
