my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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