my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
