Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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