he told me I talked like a deaf person
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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