my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
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