They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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