Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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