my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
