She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
