The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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