I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
