I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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