If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
