You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
