On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
she pinky promised me she was 18
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
