there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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