I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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