Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
