i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
