Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
