Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I stole a fireplace last night.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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