I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
