Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
