Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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