you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
