I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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