So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My vagina just recognized that song.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
