Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
