You just made me feel so damn special
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
