i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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