my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
