I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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