I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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