So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
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