Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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