The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
