You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
