Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
