So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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