Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
