I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
