Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
